Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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