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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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