If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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