I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
