i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
