Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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