i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
