Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
