The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
