I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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