u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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