what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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