What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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