Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
