i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
