Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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