I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
