Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
