Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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