I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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