Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
