I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
