He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
