come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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