Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I deserve this hangover.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
