R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
