she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
