like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
