It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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