I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
