i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
