Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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