Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
