i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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