My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize