just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
