Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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