Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
