I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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