please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
