Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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