Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
