I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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