Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
