what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
