I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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