Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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