I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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