All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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