First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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