worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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