just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
