Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
