thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
