I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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