I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize