her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
