highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
