I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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