I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
