I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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