my mouth tastes like poor choices
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
